Do you have a secret you can’t tell anyone? Sometimes we lie to protect ourselves or withhold the truth to avoid hurting others. But what if someone close to you, like a spouse, kept secrets from you? Would you feel distant from them and lonely?
This time, let’s explore whether it’s acceptable to keep secrets from a spouse through the Japanese manga “SPY×FAMILY” by Tatsuya Endo!
What kind of manga is SPY×FAMILY?
The story follows an elite spy named Twilight, who starts a pretend family with an assassin woman named Yor and a telepathic child named Anya to complete his mission.
Tatsuya Endo. 2019. SPY×FAMILY. Japan: Shueisha
A family full of secrets!?
Let’s uncover their secrets!
First, about Twilight’s job. He is actually a spy, but he maintains the facade of a psychiatrist under the alias Loid Forger.
The daughter he found in an orphanage to form this pretend family, Anya, is a telepath who can read people’s minds.
Additionally, the woman Twilight found to play his wife, Yor, was looking for someone to pose as her boyfriend. They both agree to form a pretend family for mutual benefit, but in reality, Yor is an assassin.
In other words, while they each hide their true identities, they bond by sharing the secret of their pretend family.
Does Keeping Secrets Strengthen or Damage a Marriage?
Is it possible to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse while keeping secrets, or does it only risk damaging trust? The answer depends on the motivation behind the lie.
Twilight became a spy to prevent war and create “a world where children don’t cry.” Yor became an assassin to support her younger brother.
In other words, they lie for selfless reasons, for the benefit of others. This makes their lies relatable to readers, who may find themselves rooting for their efforts to maintain their pretend family.
“Lies told for the benefit of others are often considered less morally wrong and are less likely to induce feelings of guilt.”
Abe, Shuji. 2021. You Lie Like This. Japan: Iwanami Shoten, p. 48.
However, lying can become complicated. Keeping a lie consistent requires constant vigilance. Yor, while building a pretend family as a wife, also has to lie to her brother Yuri.
“Cooperation is essential for human survival in society, but it is important to be aware of the risks of side effects, such as the amplification of lies.”
Abe, Shuji. 2021. You Lie Like This. Japan: Iwanami Shoten, p. 53.
What Does Marriage Promise in the First Place?
When Yor proposed marriage to Twilight, he made the following vow:
“Yor, in sickness and in sorrow, no matter what difficulties may come, let us help each other.”
Tatsuya Endo. Episodes 1-2. SPY×FAMILY. Japan: WIT STUDIO, CloverWorks
This sounds a bit more challenging than the vows you typically hear at a real wedding! In fact, marriage has always been a contract to support each other through any difficult situation.
“Marriage is essentially a security contract against catastrophic situations.”
“By committing to support each other in times of sickness and poverty, it implies that your partner will also support you in such times.”
“When a marriage is on the verge of breaking down, the last support comes from the ‘deliberate lie’ that ‘our marriage is not just a temporary arrangement by mutual agreement, but a reality that exists as naturally as mountains, rivers, and seas.'”
Tatsuru Uchida. 2016. A Difficult Marriage. Japan: Artes Publishing Co., Ltd., pp. 262-263.
In other words, a marriage partner is a contracted life partner, a special kind of other person. It’s difficult to fully understand someone else, so daily efforts to maintain the relationship are key to a harmonious marriage.
How to Build a Good Relationship with Your Spouse?
So, what specific efforts should be made? The conclusion is that it involves managing your own mood.
“If you want to keep your relationship with your spouse calm and healthy, think about ‘how can I keep myself in a good mood?'”
“Set aside your spouse and think about what other conditions need to be met for you to be in a good mood. Work diligently to achieve those conditions, and avoid reaching the ‘danger zone’ where a ‘thoughtless remark’ could ‘overflow the cup.'”
Tatsuru Uchida. 2016. A Difficult Marriage. Japan: Artes Publishing Co., Ltd., p. 239, pp. 250-251.
In other words, the important thing is your relationship with yourself. The relationship with your spouse reflects how well you get along with yourself.
If you feel your partner is boring, find ways to make your daily life more enjoyable. If you feel bored with your partner, introduce exciting things into your own life. If you find yourself married to a sinful person, take the opportunity to reflect on your own sins.
From this perspective, Twilight and Yor are optimal partners who share the common trait of “altruistic lies.”
Summary
I used to think that forming a pretend family was impossible, but it turns out it’s actually a relationship that fits well with the institution of marriage!
Nevertheless, it’s thrilling and fascinating to watch Twilight, Yor, and Anya each struggle to maintain their lies.
The moments when they begin to discover genuine familial love while sustaining their false relationships are not to be missed.